As I spend another night alone, I yet again come to the conclusion that living is simply pointless for someone like me.
I simply can't compare to normal people. I didn't grow up the same way as they did. I didn't experience the same things they got to experience. My entire foundation is so fundamentally different that I simply can never compare or compete with even a below average person.
How can I be social when I've never had a social life?
How can I gain social experience when the period for social learning and awkwardness has passed?
How can I gain the meaningful experiences of youth, when my youth is already passing me by?
The answer is simple: I can't.
I've not had a meaningful reason to wake up for over half my life now. I have no reason, will, or drive to continue with living. Unfortunately as much as I hate living I still fail over and over again to successfully die.
So here I sit, suffering the fate of the observer - one who does not interact with life; one who does not get to experience the ups and downs; one who mearly lives through observing the other.
I don't know what love is.
I'll never know what young love was like.
I barely know what it's like to hang out with friends socially.
I don't know what it's like to go to a party; clubs, and pubs.
I don't know what it was like to grow up with everyone else, observing the changes in myself and one another.
I don't have any social validation.
I don't have any sexual validation.
I don't have any academic validation.
I don't have a career.
I don't know what it's like to do anything without my mum or other family member always leering at me and being involved.
To careless banter with friends.
To do anything...
I don't even know what a normal, healthy school life would be, since I've been off the rails for so long.
I don't know what it is like to be human.
And the harsh truth is simply, I'll always be behind now. I'll always be a failure. I'll forever be lesser and insignificant.
Why would anyone choose me over literally any other person, I'm basically a baby they'd have to care and cater for.
So I sit here, living my life through other people, dreaming of things I can never do or have, and simply die on the inside as I try to convince myself it's not that bad.
So I sit here, programming yet another useless project that'll amount to nothing.
So I sit here, dreaming what it'd be like to be normal.
So I sit here, and see others around me grow and experience normal human experiences, while I simply get left behind further and further.
What would be a normal day out for some, is a revolution for me.
What would be a just another relationship for some, would be a miracle for me.
What would be just another hookup, would be a milestone for me.
What would be just any basic, human thing, would be a great undertaking for me.
How do I cope in such a world? I don't.
This life is wasted, and there's no fix for it, with a pain and lonliness few know, understand, or even are capable of comprehending.
By the time I finish my studies for the CCNA, it'll have changed to something completely different.
By the time I gain any confidence and social skills, I'll probably be in my 40s.
By the time I have my first sexual encounter, people half my age would have infinitely more experience than me already.
By the time I do anything, other people have already done it several times over.
But don't worry, mummy will always be there for Bad Brad, she'll always be there, watching over me, doing everything with me, for me.
Then I get to spend the rest of her life paying for her ability to live and caring for her, because poverty amirite?
This life is over, regardless whether I'm alive or not. It's all over.